Difficult people may cross your path, but they can (and should) not determine your destination. Stay focused on your goals and keep moving forward. It took me a few decades to conclude that I was mistaken in believing I could get along with everyone. I eventually met enough difficult people (DPs) that forced me to revise that rather naive belief about myself. Now I realize I can’t get along with every single person, but I have come up with some tips to deal with the DPs in my life.
We all have DPs in our lives – people who annoy us, who always have a bone to pick, who will be quick to criticize or object to an idea we put forward. When you think about it, you may even feel yourself getting tense or angry when recalling the last exchanges you had with the difficult people (DP) in your life. If this rings true for you, when you cross paths with a DP, you are already in a difficult position because of this aroused defensiveness that you feel.
Our work with dealing with DPs is to remain “in our heads” – logical, thoughtful, observing, and avoid going to the emotional place where we become a counterpoint in a conflict. This is easier said than done. Many of us recall situations where we were pulled into matching the negativity of a DP and a conflict resulted, often with us muttering to ourselves, “I took the bait.” We regret that we didn’t sidestep the conflict but instead played right into it. So, I offer these different, perhaps novel, ways of approaching the DPs in your life.
For starters, who gets you going, and what is it about a DP that makes you susceptible to be angered or to reacting to them without measured judgment in the encounter? Are there ways that your DP is similar to you? Maybe you see in this person an aspect of yourself that is easier to spot in the DP, yet we have a blind spot in seeing how similar we are to the difficult person. If it is an uncomfortable question to ponder, that may be a clue to why it is hard to interact positively with the DP. Perhaps boastfulness, thoughtlessness, inconsiderateness, tardiness, not listening, disregard for your wishes or expectations is your trigger. This is the interpersonal aspect of the relationship.
Another point to consider is that the DP may be hurting, ill, sleep deprived, feeling vulnerable or frightened. He or she may not have the psychological reserve to engage with you appropriately because their energy is absorbed by the difficult state they are in. All of the above is a “pre-game preparation” for an interchange with the DP. When you are going to have an exchange with a DP, breathe deeply, remain calm and listen carefully. Of course, this is all counter intuitive. We are likely to be bracing ourselves for a negative interaction, however the key is to remain respectful, and not to raise our voice.
Our work is to find out what has upset the person. Rather than telling them to calm down, a better approach may be to ask them what has made them angry or frustrated. Sometimes this question alone, when asked respectfully, may be unbalancing for them. The DP may not have been expecting to be asked about why they are upset. While listening to the response, work to acknowledge points that they make that are accurate. Responding, “I get your point,” can signal that they are being heard. Another helpful response can be, “I understand why you’re upset.” This is something that virtually all human beings appreciate. But your response has to be honest. Don’t say it if you do not feel it.
Keeping a distance from the person is also respectful, so that they don’t feel cornered. Certainly not touching the person makes good common sense when someone is angry. If you are the target of a verbal attack, it is reasonable to say to the person, “Please don’t talk to me like that” in a respectful tone. Another option to consider is that you can say to the DP, “Hey, I would like to talk more about this, but I’ll step away and we can talk when things are more settled.”
After a difficult encounter, give yourself a break. Take some time to recharge and acknowledge that you have probably done as best you can in a tough situation. Also consider that difficult people are like sandpaper – they rub you the wrong way, but they also polish you to shine brighter. These difficult encounters are opportunities for personal growth, teaching us patience, tolerance and the power of inner strength.
If your DP is a family member, you may hold the value that in spite of difficulty with a parent, sibling, partner or child, you stand by them and maintain a welcoming stance to engaging respectfully and positively with them. You may or may not share this value. That is your right. If it is a value that you hold, then the question becomes, has this message been communicated to the difficult person clearly, and to all family members?
Another perspective regarding DPs is that for our many friends and acquaintances there is an optimal amount of time to spend with them. Sometimes, meeting with a friend once a month is fine. More often, and it can become burdensome, less often, and they are missed. You take care of yourself and the relationship when you manage the amount of time you spend with the person. With friends and relatives, it can be easier to manage that amount of time by meeting up with them at a restaurant or park or stopping by for a quick visit. Sometimes this is better than hosting the person at your home, where it may be harder to end the visit. All this is in the spirit of making the most of time together with people that can be problematic.
Generally, it is wise to be careful with using humor in encounters with difficult people. Proceed with caution. When conflict is brewing, sometimes a humorous comment can fall flat. It may be interpreted as belittling, dismissive or insulting. The DP may feel you are not taking them seriously. Encounters with DPs can be challenging. If you set a goal of completing a conversation without initiating a negative response you can count the interaction as a successful one. You have succeeded without being pulled into the conflict. Good luck!