It’s a fool who lies, but it’s a damn
fool who believes their own lies.
The world is full of good people.
If you can’t find one, be one.
Always give 100% at work: 12% on
Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wed,
20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday!
I started out with nothing and,
thankfully, still have most of it.
I started out with nothing and,
thankfully, I still have most of it!
When you focus on problems, you get
more problems, but when you focus on
solutions, you get more opportunities.
One of the biggest problems with
Socialism is that you will eventually
run out of other people’s money.
Don’t wait for things to get better…
life will always be complicated.
Figure out how to be happy right now…
otherwise you will run out of time!
Three things that tell the truth: young
kids, drunk people and yoga pants.
Train up a child in the way he should go,
but be sure that you go that way, too.
Some people are not loyal to you, they
are loyal to their need of you. Once their
needs change, so does their loyalty.
You either get bitter or you get better.
It’s that simple – and it’s up to you.
Truth: talk to a man about himself
and he will listen for hours.
Give to the world what you feel is
missing – that is why you’re here.
Holding a grudge doesn’t make you
stronger, it makes you bitter.
Marriage is not 50-50, it’s 100-100.
It’s not about splitting things in half,
but giving everything you’ve got!
Any child can tell you that the sole
purpose of a middle name is so he
can tell when he’s really in trouble.
These days, we’re starving for wisdom
while drowning in information.
Don’t try to change people – just love
them. Love is what changes us.
A “perfect marriage” is just two imperfect
people who refuse to give up on each other.
We should certainly count our
blessings, but we should also be sure
to make our blessings count.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
If you stay busy thinking about right
things, the devil won’t be able
to fill your mind with wrong things.
Obstacles are the things you see when
you take your eyes off the goal.
A man with experience is not at the
mercy of a man with an opinion.
There are two ways to live your life:
one as though nothing is a miracle or
the other as everything is a miracle.
I love my job… when I’m on vacation!
More people would learn from their
mistakes if they weren’t spending
so much time always denying them.
Before you can win in life, you have
to believe that you are worthy.
You only need two tools in life: Duct
Tape and WD-40. If it moves and it
Shouldn’t, use Duct Tape. If it doesn’t
move and it should, use the WD-40!
When nothing is going right, go left.
People say you can’t live without love,
but I think oxygen is more important.
To avoid criticism, say nothing,
do nothing, and be nothing.
The two most important days
of your life are when you are born
and when you figure out why.
Even a turkey can fly in a tornado.
The future lies before you like a field
of fallen snow, but be careful how
you tread it, for every step will show.
A man can stand a lot, just as
long as he can stand himself.
To fully appreciate life, look at
everything like you are seeing it
for the first or the last time.
I can resist all things but temptation!
In the end, people will judge you,
so, don’t live your life to impress
them – live to impress yourself.
Never blow out someone else’s candle
to make yours seem brighter.
Be nice to geeks – you’ll probably
end up working for one!
Simple logic will get you from
Point A to Point B, but imagination
will get you everywhere else.
The more you are thankful, the more
you attract things to be thankful for.
It’s not about who is real to your
Face – it’s about who stays loyal to
you when your back is turned.
Be so good they can’t ignore you!
Great ideas will often receive violent
opposition from mediocre minds.
You’d better stop being a Democrat
and stop being a Republican…
and just start being an AMERICAN.
Never tell your problems to anyone.
20% of people don’t care and the
other 80% are glad you have them.
Done is always better than perfect.
The price of inaction is far greater
than the cost of making a mistake.
Easter is the only time of the year
when it is safe to put all of your
eggs in one basket – Happy Easter!
Stay self-funded as long as possible.
The greater danger for most of us
lies not in setting our aim too high
and falling short, but in setting our
aim too low and hitting our mark.
When you’re at the end of your
rope, tie a knot and hang on!
Business opportunities are like buses:
There’s always another one coming.
Yesterday you said you would do it
today. What’s your excuse today?
You can’t live a perfect day without
doing something for someone
who will never be able to repay you.
Feeding you faith starves your fears.
Democrats steal our money for the
poor and Republicans take it for the rich.
Either way, the middle class loses.
Jealousy is when you count someone
else’s blessings instead of your own.
Hidden inside every older person
there is a younger person wondering,
“What in the hell happened?”
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it
is like wrapping a gift and not giving it.
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement
ring, wedding ring and then suffering!
The biggest challenge after gaining
success is shutting up about it!
Don’t make somebody fall for
you if you have no intention of
catching them when they do.
Whoever is trying to bring you
down is already below you.
The Earth is like a grain of sand,
only bigger… much bigger!
Behind every successful man
stands one good woman. Behind
every failure stands two.
We live in a world were pizza gets
to your house before the police.
Take me as I am or watch me go.
Girls are like abstract paintings.
Even though you don’t understand
them, they are still beautiful.
Not everything that can be
counted counts, and not everything
that counts can be counted.
If you are tired of starting over,
than just stop giving up.
If you want to lift yourself up,
try lifting someone else up.
In every small problem there is a
larger one struggling to get out.
The secret of staying young is to
live honestly, eat slowly, and
just not think about your age.
Not all those who wander are lost.
Stop trying to fit in when you
were born to stand out.
What lies behind us and what lies
before us are tiny matters
compared to what lies within us.
Ladies, if you don’t want to have
a broke man, you’re gonna have
to put up with a very busy man.
Showing up is 80 percent of life.
One reason a dog is comforting
when you’re feeling blue is that he
doesn’t try to find out why.
Young men know the rules, but
old men know the exceptions!
We all need to learn to set our
course by the stars, and not by the
lights of every passing ship.
Fashions fade; style is eternal.
“Lucky” parents who have fine
children usually have “lucky”
children who have fine parents.
Remember, a sense of shame is
not a bad moral compass.
To be upset over what you don’t
have is to waste what you do.
The goal in marriage is not to
think alike, but to think together.
Some people march to a different
Drummer – and some people polka.
A person’s mind, after it’s been
stretched to a new idea, never goes
back to its original dimensions.
In critical moments, most people
see exactly what they wish to see.
How come know-it-alls don’t know
how annoying they really are?
Age is about mind over matter – if
you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
There is only one thing in life
worse than being talked about, and
that’s not being talked about!
Don’t be afraid of pressure – after
all, that’s how diamonds are made.
A strong and positive mental
attitude will create more miracles
than any wonder drug ever will.
Anger is not a good counselor.
The best feeling in the world is
being with someone who wants
you as much as you want them.
Arguing with a woman is like
being arrested – everything you say
can and will be held against you!
Sometimes you gotta play the
role of a fool to fool the fool who
thinks they are fooling you.
Consider this: most people mess
up something good, by looking
for something better, just to
end up with something worse.
Life is like an elevator: on your
way up, sometimes, you have to
stop and let some people off.
You spend years wishing your
parents would get off your back,
only to realize that they are the
only ones who ever really had it!
When you’re up, your friends know
who you are. When you’re down,
you know who your friends are.
You don’t have to be great to start,
but you have to start to be great.
How come know-it-alls don’t
know how annoying they are?
God sometimes removes people
from your life to protect you – trust
Him and don’t run after them!
Don’t waste your life away working
hard to have a good life later.
You will never realize a million
dollar dream if all you have is a
minimum wage work ethic.
In life, it is better to be a known
sinner than a lying hypocrite.
Success is not final and failure
is not fatal – but it’s the courage
to continue that really counts.
Go the extra mile – the path is never crowded.
How come you never read about a
psychic winning the lottery?
Women are like computers – they
tell you when they have a
problem, but expect you to fix it.
He who is impatient waits twice.
The only person you should
try to be better than is the person
that you were yesterday.
The shin bone is a device used for
finding furniture in a dark room.
Birthdays are healthy – statistics
show that the people who have
the most actually live the longest.
Take me as I am or watch me as I go!
Always be sure to use your last
sticky note to remind yourself that
you need more sticky notes.
The definition of middle class: you
make too much for a subsidy but
not enough to buy it on your own.
Work to become – not to acquire.
You know things aren’t going
well when the grass on the other
side of the fence is dead!
Justice may be blind, but she has
sophisticated listening devices!
The only place where success comes
before work is in the dictionary.
You never know how strong you
can be until being strong is
the only choice you are left with.
My mind is like a steel trap:
rusty and illegal in 37 states!
Treat her like you’re still trying to
win her and you’ll never lose her.
You may not always trust the
one you love, but you can always
love the one whom you trust.
Life is like a bicycle: to keep your
balance you must keep moving.
Children are our future – it’s too
bad we can’t pick which ones.
Honk if you love Jesus – text while
driving if you want to meet him.
The person you care for most is the
one you will let hurt you the most.
The happiest people don’t have
the best of everything, they just
make the best of everything.
Try to be as good of a person as
your pet believes you to be.
An arrow is like a child – if not let
go, it will never fulfill its purpose.
Alcohol does not make you fat,
it makes you lean… on chairs, walls,
tables, and on other people!
To have more, learn to desire less.
In life, if you don’t build your
own dream, someone will hire you
to help them build theirs.
A narrow mind is almost always
accompanied by a wide mouth.
We are not given a good life or a
bad life – we are given a life. It is
up to us to make it good or bad.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
Don’t worry about those people
who talk behind your back – they
are behind you for a reason.
You aren’t wealthy until you have
something money can’t buy.
Goodwill is earned by many acts,
but it can be lost by just one.
Sometimes your only available mode of
transportation is a leap of faith.
If at first you DO succeed, try
hard to hide your astonishment!
Everything happens for a reason, but
sometimes it’s because you’re
stupid and make bad decisions.
An open heart cannot maintain
a closed hand for very long.
Common sense is a lot like
deodorant – the people who need
it the most rarely ever use it.
I don’t get drunk – I get awesome!
Good girls can be found in
almost every corner of the world;
too bad the Earth is round.
It is ordinary to love the beautiful,
but beautiful to love the ordinary.
If it’s meant for you, you won’t
have to beg for it – never sacrifice
your dignity for your destiny.
Truth: after Monday and Tuesday,
even the calendar says W-T-F!
It’s never too late to become the
person you might have been.
If laughter is the best medicine,
why can people die laughing?
Don’t be a woman who needs a
man, be a woman a man needs.
People with good intentions
make promises, but people with
good character keep them.
Life isn’t about finding yourself,
It’s about creating yourself.
The hardest years in life are the
ones between ten and seventy.
Appreciation is like an insurance
policy – it needs to be renewed
every now and then.
Just remember, if the world didn’t
suck, we’d all just fall off of it.
My life has a superb cast, but I
still can’t figure out the plot!
We have enough youth already…
how about a fountain of smart?
Your greatness doesn’t come from
the number of servants you have, but
the number of people you serve.
The nicest thing about the future
is that it always starts tomorrow.
If dogs could talk, it would take
a lot of fun out of owning one.
Never make yourself look big
by making others look small.
Forgiveness is a funny thing…
it not only warms the heart, but
it cools the sting, as well.
Prayer changes things – usually us.
Knowledge is learning from your
own mistakes – wisdom is learning
from other people’s mistakes.
If you want to achieve greatness,
stop asking for permission.
He who lives only to benefit
himself confers on the world a
great benefit when he dies.
You either carry your own weight
or you become dead weight.
Practice looking into people rather
than just looking at people.
If you are tired of starting over
and over, just stop giving up.
It is amazing what can be
accomplished when no one cares
about who gets the credit.
The most difficult instrument
to play is always second fiddle.
Never confess to a felony if they
only have you for a misdemeanor.
Pick battles that are big enough to
matter, but small enough to win.
Duct tape is a lot like the force:
it has a light side, a dark side, and
it holds the world together.
Insults should be written in sand,
but compliments etched in stone.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a
case. Coincidence? I think not.
Cheating on a good person is
like throwing away a diamond
and then picking up a rock.
Bad laws weaken the good ones.
If a man isn’t thankful for what
he has, he isn’t likely to be thankful
for what he’s going to get.
When you’re skating on thin ice,
you may as well tap-dance!
Arrogance is a stumbling block;
humility is a stepping block.
They say hard work never hurts
you, but why take the chance.
The love of liberty is the love
of others. The love of power is
just the love of ourselves.
Sometimes you earn more doing
the jobs that pay you nothing!
Before you can get the best, you
first have to experience the worst.
If not for electricity, we would all
be watching TV by candlelight.
To succeed in life you need to
have three things: a wish bone, a
back bone and a funny bone.
I didn’t say that it was your fault,
I said that I was blaming you!
You can’t be old and wise unless
you were once young and stupid.
A slander is like a hornet – if
you can’t kill it the first time, you
better not try to strike it at all.
People have the right to be stupid,
but some abuse that privilege.
You can’t stop the waves from
coming, but you can learn to surf!
Men are from earth. Women are
from earth. Deal with it.
There’s a big difference between
treating people equally and
attempting to make them equal.
There is something about a closet
that makes a skeleton restless.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name!
Say what you have to say, not
what you ought to say.
The chains of habit are often
too light to be felt until they
are too heavy to be broken.
You only live once – but if you
do it right, once is enough!
A bald spot is like a lie – the bigger
it gets the harder it is to hide.
Love at first sight is possible, but
it pays to take a second look.
A verbal contract is not worth
the paper it’s written on.
Children seldom misquote you.
They usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn’t have said!
The large print giveth, but the
small print always taketh away.
An open marriage is nature’s way
of saying you need a divorce.
You can’t reach for anything
new today if your hands are still
full of yesterday’s junk.
Live so that your friends can
defend you but never have to!
If you die in an elevator, be sure
to push the “Up” button.
Delegating work works, provided
the one delegating works, too.
Action may not always bring
you happiness, but there is no
happiness without action.
Half of the people you know are
below average (think about it).
If you want the rainbow, you’ve
got to put up with the rain.
Love doesn’t make the world go round,
but it makes the ride worthwhile.
Leadership: the art of getting someone
else to do something that you want
done because they want to do it.
No one can drive us crazy unless
we first give them the keys.
Be thankful we are not getting all of
the government we are paying for!
It is much better to be hated
for what you are then to be
loved for something you are not.
What the heart knows today, the
head will understand tomorrow.
The best mirror is a friend’s eye.
Our greatest fear should not be
of failure, but succeeding at things
in life that don’t really matter.
The best thing about growing old
is that it takes such a long time.
Everything should be as simple
as possible – but not simpler.
If you think nobody cares if you’re
alive, try missing a few payments.
The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
One should never spoil a good
theory by trying to explain it.
Sometimes the best way to
convince someone they are wrong
is to let them have their way.
Most habits, if not resisted, will
soon become a necessity.
Change is always inevitable…
except from a vending machine.
Do not argue with an idiot. He
will drag you down to his level then
beat you with his experience.
Some are wise – some otherwise!
You do not need a parachute to
skydive unless you are planning
to do it more than one time.
The last thing I want to do is hurt
You – but it’s still on my list!
Whenever faced with a challenge,
look for a way, not a way out.
You can’t make the same mistake
twice. The second time, it’s no
longer a mistake – it’s a choice.
Rumor travels faster, but it don’t
stay put as long as the truth.
Sometimes I need what only
you can provide – your absence!
Never marry for money – you
can borrow it for a lot less.
Your reputation of a thousand
years may be determined by your
conduct of just one hour.
When skating on thin ice, your
safety comes from your speed.
A verbal contract isn’t worth the
paper its been written on.
Knowledge is knowing that a
tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
The best proof of love is trust.
When tempted to fight fire with
fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
Judging a person does not define who
they are – it defines who you are.
Leaders fix the problem, while
losers merely fix the blame.
The early bird gets the worm, but
the 2nd mouse gets the cheese.
Even if you are on the right
track, you’ll get run over if you
just sit there and do nothing.
If FedEx & UPS ever merge, they
should call themselves FedUP.
Always do it by the book, but
be the author of that book.
When given a choice – take both.
Time may be a great healer, but
it makes for a lousy beautician.
If you can’t win change the rules.
A conscience is what hurts when
all your other parts feel so good.
The less things change, the more
they remain the same.
If you are not making mistakes,
than you are not innovating, and
if you keep making the same
mistakes, you are not learning.
If anything can go wrong, fix it.
Today’s mighty oak is yesterday’s
nut that just held its ground.
The truth will set you free – but
first it will make you miserable.
The trouble with living in the
fast lane is that you get the
other end in an awful hurry.
Few things are harder to put up
with than a good example.
The income tax has made more
liars out of Americans than golf.
Whatever hits the fan, will not
be evenly distributed.
If the grass looks greener on
the other side of the fence, you
can rest assured that the water
bill is higher over there, too.
Love, honor and negotiate.
People want economy, and they
will pay any price to get it.
Work keeps us from three evils:
boredom, vice and need.
Gossip needn’t be false to be
evil – there is a lot of truth that
shouldn’t be passed around.
A man wrapped up in himself
makes a very small parcel.
The one thing children wear out
faster than shoes is parents!
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It allows us to recognize a mistake
when we make it again.
Dogs have owners – cats have staff.
History teaches us that people and
nations behave wisely once they
have exhausted all other options.
A child, like your stomach, doesn’t
need all you can afford to give it.
He who follows the crowd rarely
gets any further than the crowd.
Just going to church makes you
a Christian as much as standing
in a garage makes you a car.
To know what is right and not to
do it is the worst cowardice.
Bitterness is a poison we drink,
hoping the other person will die.
If it weren’t for stress, I would
have no energy at all.
About the time you make ends
meet, they move the ends.
Bills travel through the mail at
twice the speed of checks.
Middle age is when broadness
of the mind and narrowness of
the waist change places.
A vasectomy means never having
to say you’re sorry.
Make crime pay – become a lawyer.
There is only one way to achieve
happiness on this terrestrial ball,
and that is to have either a clear
conscience or none at all!
It’s easier to turn friendship into
love than love into friendship.
Wrinkled was not one of the things
I wanted to be when I grew up.
The miracle is this – the more we
share the more we have.
In prayer, it is much better to
have a heart without words than
words without a heart.
The more original a discovery, the
more obvious it seems afterward.
It’s always darkest just before it
turns absolutely pitch black.
What the world really needs is
more love and less paperwork.
If you don’t read the paper you
are uninformed; if you do read the
paper you are misinformed.
Sometimes the road less traveled
is less traveled for a reason.
The best way to make all your
dreams come true is to wake up.
True love begins when nothing
is looked for in return.
Tact is the art of making guests
feel at home when that’s really
where you wish they were.
You can’t build a reputation on
what you are going to do.
Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for
old age to start wearing purple.
Why do we drive on a parkway
and park on a driveway?
If we ever forget that we are one
nation under God, then we will
surely be one nation gone under.
We should all learn to complain
a lot less and give a lot more.
It’s the things you learn after you
know it all that really count.
Life may not be the party we
had hoped for, but while we are
here we might as well dance.
The same fence that shuts others
out also shuts you in.
The only things we ever really
keep are what we give away.
Guilt is a good smoke detector
but a really bad fuel source.
The trouble with bucket seats
in cars is that not everybody has
the same size bucket!
At class reunions, why do you always feel
younger than everyone else looks?
Money will buy a fine dog, but
it won’t make him wag his tail.
The nicest thing about the future is
that it always starts tomorrow.
Sandwich every bit of criticism
between two layers of praise.
Always be yourself because the
people that matter don’t mind and
the ones who mind don’t matter.
If you don’t have a sense of humor,
you really don’t have any sense!
There’s only one thing worse than
being alone: wishing you were.
Until you make peace with who
you are, you’ll never be
content with what you have.
You only live once – but if you
work it right, once is enough.
If at first you don’t succeed, you
are running about average.
Sarcasm is just a literary device
for identifying the stupid.
Mapquest needs to start their
directions on #5. I know how to
get out of my neighborhood.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Live simply, love generously,
care deeply, speak kindly.
Then, leave the rest up to God.
Your opinion means as much to
me as my facts mean to you.
Don’t give up on your dreams, or
your dreams will give up on you.
Nobody ever actually died of laughter!
The taxpayer is someone who
works for the federal government
but doesn’t ever have to take
the Civil Service Examination.
Our attitude toward life determines
life’s attitude towards us.
Often we change jobs, friends and
spouses instead of ourselves.
Perseverance is the hard work
you do after you get tired of doing
the hard work you already did.
There is a time to let things happen
and a time to make things happen.
Do not corner something that
you know is meaner than you.
Ability is a poor man’s wealth.
Democracy will cease to exist when
you take away from those
who are willing to work and
give it to those who would not.
Get rid of anything you have that
isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
The main ingredient of stardom
is the rest of the team.
Learn like you’ll live forever;
live like you’ll die tomorrow.
Talent is God-given; be humble.
Fame is man-given; be thankful.
Conceit is self-given; be careful.
Failure is not fatal, but failure
to change just might be.
Always keep skunks and bankers
at a good distance from you.
Timing has a lot to do with the
outcome of a rain dance.
Your job won’t take care of you
when you’re sick, your friends and
family will, so keep in touch.
What other people think of you
is none of your business!
It’s never too late to have a
happy childhood, but the second
one is entirely up to you.
It doesn’t take a very big person
to carry a grudge.
Letting the cat out of the bag is
easier than putting it back in.
When you wallow with pigs, you
should expect to get dirty.
You cannot strengthen the weak
by weakening the strong.
Words that soak into your ears
are whispered – not yelled.
Having good judgment comes
from experience, and much of that
comes from bad judgment.
If you find yourself in a hole, the
first thing to do is stop digging.
Make peace with your past so it
doesn’t screw up the present.
Growing old always beats the
alternative – dying young.
If a relationship has to be kept a
secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
If we all threw our problems in
a big pile and then saw everyone
else’s, we’d grab ours back.
Not getting exactly what you want
is often a wonderful stroke of luck.
Judge your success by what you
had to give up in order to get it.
Misery is a communicable disease.
Winter is the season when people
try to keep their house as warm
as it was in the summer when
they complained about the heat!
Forgiveness is a beautiful word
until we actually have to do it.
The first half of our life is ruined
by our parents and the second
half is ruined by our children!
Great achievements and great
love always involve great risk.
Learn all the rules so you know
how to break them properly.
Do not take life too seriously;
you’ll never get out of it alive.
Everybody wants to go back
to nature – just not on foot.
For a man to become a poet he
must be in love or miserable.
It takes years to build up trust,
but only suspicion to destroy it.
Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity has no restrictions.
We always like those who
admire us, but we do not always
like those whom we admire.
Like turtles, we can’t get ahead
unless we stick our neck out!
Think big thoughts but relish
in the small pleasures.
A critic is like a legless man that
teaches people how to run.
It’s better to have 1% of what
100 people can make than
100% of what you can make.
If it wasn’t for the last minute,
nothing would ever get done.
A good time to keep your mouth
shut is when you’re in deep water.
People have the right to be stupid
but some abuse the privilege.
A truly rich man is one whose
children still run into his arms
even when his hands are empty.
A winner listens while a loser just
waits until it is their turn to talk.
Do not compare yourself to
others – most of them are more
screwed up than you think.
When you don’t know what to do,
walk fast and look worried.
Confucious says… “Man who
keeps feet firmly on the ground
has trouble putting on pants.”
Thought is action in rehearsal.
You are absolutely unique – just
like everyone else around you.
Everyone wants to go to heaven
but nobody wants to die.
Always and never are two very
extreme words that you should
always remember never to use.
Some days you’re the pigeon and
some days you’re the statue.
Before borrowing any money
from a friend, decide which you
need more (friend or money).
I like work. It fascinates me. I
can sit and look at it for hours.
When you are right, no one
ever remembers. When you are
wrong, no one ever forgets.
My reality check just bounced.
The evening news is where
they begin with “Good evening”
and then tell you why it isn’t.
If you can’t see the bright side
of life, polish the dull side.
A consultant is someone who
takes a subject you understand
and makes it sound confusing.
Hangover: the wrath of grapes.
If everything seems to be
going well, you have obviously
If Barbie is so popular, why do
you have to buy her friends?
I couldn’t repair your brakes so
I made your horn louder.
Many people quit looking for
work when they find a job.
Good friends are like stars – you
don’t always see them but you
always know that they are there.
If you drive like hell, you are
bound to get there someday.
For every action there is an equal
and opposite government program.
Be yourself. No one can ever tell
you that you are doing it wrong.
Artificial intelligence is no match
for natural stupidity.
We are all responsible for what we
do – unless we are a celebrity.
Whatever happens to hit the fan
will not be distributed evenly.
If we could sell our experiences
for what they actually cost
us, we would all be millionaires.
Better to risk saving a guilty man
than to condemn an innocent one.
Having a smoking section in a
restaurant is like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool.
It doesn’t hurt to be optimistic.
You can always cry later.
One thought driven home is way
better than three left on base.
A business that makes nothing
but money is a poor business.
You do not really understand
something until you can properly
explain it to your grandmother.
A Marriage Certificate is just a
fancy name for a work permit.
When you talk sense to a fool,
he will always call you foolish.
If you don’t know where you are
going, any road will get you there.
A committee is a group of the
unwilling, picked from the unfit,
to do the unnecessary.
The trouble with being punctual is
that nobody is there to see it.
An armed person is a citizen; an
unarmed person is a subject.
There’s nothing worse than being
a doer with nothing to do.
First they ignore you; then
they laugh at you; then they fight
you; and then you win.
Never insult an alligator until you
have crossed the river.
A conclusion is simply the place where
someone got tired of thinking.
People prefer to follow those who
help them, not intimidate them.
Once you get people laughing
they start listening – then you can
tell them just about anything.
A bank will lend you money if you
can prove that you don’t need it.
It is easier to fight for principles
then to live up to them.
Goodness to others is the only
investment that never fails.
When you don’t waste time,
you usually have enough.
Wisdom doesn’t necessarily
come with age – sometimes age
just shows up all by itself.
Failure is the condiment that
gives success its flavor.
When you aim for perfection, you
discover it’s a moving target.
Tact is the art of making a point
without making an enemy.
Those who make the worst use
of their time are the first ones to
complain about its shortness.
Do not let what you cannot do
get in the way of what you can.
True success is overcoming the
fear of being unsuccessful.
Whoever thinks that marriage
is a 50-50 proposition
doesn’t know the half of it.
If you are going through hell,
just keep going!!
I have the answer in my head;
I just haven’t found it yet.
A clear conscience is usually
the sign of a bad memory.
Whenever you find yourself
on the side of the majority, it
is time to pause and reflect.
There can’t be a crisis today;
my schedule is already full.
Guns only have two enemies:
rust and politicians.
If everything is coming your way,
you are in the wrong lane.
Don’t be so humble – you’re not
really as great as you think.
If you think that nobody cares
if you are alive or not, try
missing a couple car payments.
Everything is funny as long as it
is happening to somebody else.
Victory goes to the player who makes
the next-to-last mistake.
Do not let what you cannot do
interfere with what you can do.
If you can’t be a good example
to those around you, you’ll just
have to be a horrible warning.
Never interrupt an enemy when
he is about to make a mistake.
Experience is what you get when
you don’t get what you want.
Our own faults irritate us most
when we see them in others.
If you think your boss is stupid,
remember – you wouldn’t have a
job if he was any smarter.
If at first you actually do succeed
try not to look too astonished.
It’s better to understand a little
than to misunderstand a lot.
Everyone is gifted – some just
open the package sooner.
Suburbs are areas where trees
are cut down and then the
streets are named after them.
Borrow money from pessimists;
they don’t expect it back.
Censorship reflects a society’s
lack of confidence in itself.
The only thing that ever sat its
way to success was a hen.
Shared joy is double joy and
shared sorrow is half-sorrow.
Being defeated is often just a
temporary condition – giving up
is what makes it permanent.
Always beware of the young
doctor and the old barber.
Love may be grand but divorce
is more like a hundred grand.
A synonym is a word you use if
you can’t spell the other one.
Advice is what people ask for
when they already know the
answer but wish they didn’t.
Growing old is a very high price
to pay for maturity.
People will forget what you said
and did, but they will never forget
how you made them feel.
The trouble with retirement is
that you never get a day off.
A gun in the hand is better than
a cop on the phone.
Sometimes the road less traveled
is less traveled for a reason.
A diplomat is a man who always
remembers a woman’s birthday
but never remembers her age.
Having an open mind is good, as
long as your brains don’t fall out.
A deaf husband and a blind wife
are always a happy couple.
Happiness is nothing more than
good health and a bad memory.
Believe those who are seeking the
truth; doubt those who find it.
If hard work was such a great
thing, surely the rich folks would
have kept it all to themselves.
A woman can say more in a sigh
than a man can say in a sermon.
Always forgive your enemies;
nothing annoys them more.
All weddings are similar, but
every marriage is different.
Money is like manure – it’s not
worth a thing unless it’s spread
around to help things grow.
A verbal contract is not worth
the paper it’s written on.
There is no key to happiness;
the door is always unlocked.
Silence is often misinterpreted,
but it’s never misquoted.
Never delay the ending of a
business meeting or the
beginning of a cocktail hour.
Blessed are the flexible, for they
shall not be bent out of shape.
To the world you might just be
one person, but to one person you
just might be the world.
Winners make things happen while
losers simply let things happen.
If guns cause crime, then pencils
cause misspelled words.
Nothing makes it easier to resist
temptation than a proper bringing up,
sound values – and witnesses.
Giving lots of money and power to
government officials is like giving
whiskey and car keys to teenagers.
All lasting businesses are built first
on a mutual and lasting friendship.
If you think health care coverage
is expensive now, wait until you see
what it costs when it’s free.
The most important things in your
house are the people who live in it.
He who can’t endure the bad times
will not live to see the good times.
It takes as much courage to
have tried and failed as it does to
have tried and succeeded.
Take good care of the people who
work for you and you’ll float to
greatness on their achievements.
What this country really needs are
more unemployed politicians
Anyone can make a mistake, but a
fool insists on repeating it.
God gave men two ends – one to sit
on and one to think with. Ever since
then, man’s success or failure has been
dependent on the one he used most.
A half truth is almost always a full lie.
As a child, a library card takes you
to faraway, exotic places. When you’re
grown up, a credit card does it.
You’re never as good as everyone tells
you when you win, and you are never
as bad as they say when you lose.
In any contest between power and
patience, always bet on patience.
Midlife crisis is that moment when
you realize that your children and your
clothes are about the same age.
Tact is the art of recognizing when
to be big and when not to belittle.
Two things that a man cannot hide is
that he is drunk and that he is in love.
The genius of communication is the
ability to be both totally honest and
totally kind at the same time.
While an original is always hard to
find, he is easy to recognize.
The person who knows “how” will
always have a job, and the person who
knows “why” will always be his boss.
Remember the difference between
a boss and a leader: a boss says, “Go!”
and a leader says, “Let’s go!”
A best friend is like a four-leaf clover;
hard to find and lucky to have.
Democracy should be something
more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for dinner.
Success is often the result of taking
a misstep in the right direction.
If you don’t drive your business, you
will be driven out of business.
Employees make the best dates;
You don’t have to pick them up and
they’re always tax-deductible.
The secret to business is to know
something that nobody else knows.
A corporation: an ingenious device
created to help one obtain profit
without individual responsibility.
A government which robs Peter
to pay Paul can always depend on the
ever-loyal support of Paul.
The Constitution does not guarantee
happiness, only the pursuit of it.
You have to catch up with it yourself.
Talk is cheap – except for when
Congress does it.
A government big enough to give you
everything you want is strong
enough to take everything you have.
Reputation is character minus what
you’ve been caught doing.
A miracle is not the suspension
of natural law, but instead
the operation of a higher law.
No great artist ever sees things
as they really are. If he did, he
would cease to be a great artist.
When a man says that money can
do anything, he hasn’t any.
If we want things to stay as they
are, things will have to change.
The most efficient labor-saving
device is still money.
A life of ease is a difficult pursuit.
The reward for work well done is
the opportunity to do more.
To err is human; to blame it on the
other guy is even more human.
When dogs leap onto your bed,
it’s because they adore you. When
cats leap onto your bed, it’s
because they adore your bed.
Without education, we are in a
horrible and deadly danger of taking
educated people seriously.
A stumble often prevents a fall.
You’re better off not knowing how
sausages and laws are made!
Only those who risk going too far will
ever know how far they can go.
Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.
We need to set our course by the stars,
not the lights of every passing ship.
The only way to make a man
trustworthy is to trust him.
Trying to squash a running rumor
is like trying to unring a bell.
Love can conquer all things except
poverty and a painful toothache.
Freedom’s enemies are waste,
lethargy, indifference, immorality and the
attitude of something for nothing.
A best friend is like a four-leaf clover;
hard to find and lucky to have.
If you think you’re too small to make
a difference, than you’ve never shared
your bed with a hungry mosquito.
Another person’s secret is like another
person’s money – you are not as careful
with it as you are with your own.
None are so empty inside as those
who are full of themselves.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea
in God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable
thought, especially if you’ve just made
a down payment on a house.
Money talks – but credit has an echo.
In faith, there is enough light for
those who want to believe and enough
shadows to blind those who don’t.
About the only thing in life that comes
to us without effort is old age.
The things that have made America
great are being subverted for the things
that make American’s rich.
Beware of the man who won’t allow
himself to be bothered with details.
When you do the common things in
life in an uncommon way, you will
command the attention of the world.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful.
It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
If you want your children to keep
their feet on the ground, put some
responsibility on their shoulders.
Some cause happiness wherever they go;
Others, whenever they go.
“Not everything that can be counted
counts, and not everything that counts
can be counted.” Albert Einstein
“Don’t try so hard to be humble – you
are not that great.” Golda Meir
“When choosing between two evils,
I always like to take the one I’ve never
tried before.” Mae West
“Whether you think you can or can’t,
you are usually right.” Henry Ford
Everyone is a damn fool for at least
five minutes every day. Wisdom
consists in not exceeding the limit.
Success is getting what you want.
Happiness is liking what you get.
If you treat every situation in your
life as a life-and-death matter, you’ll
die a lot of times during your life.
The right to do something does not
mean that doing it is right.
How often we forget our good fortune
for living in a country where happiness
is more than a lack of tragedy.
A baby is born with a deep need to
be loved – and never outgrows it.
Our opinion of people depends less
upon what we see in them than upon
what they make us see in ourselves.
God always answers our prayers, it’s
just that sometimes the answer is no.
If love is the answer, then could you
please rephrase the question!
Yesterday is experience. Tomorrow
is hope. Today is getting from one to
the other as best we can.
When you don’t know what to do,
walk fast and look worried.
If at first you don’t succeed, try
try again. Then quit. There’s no
use being a fool about it.
God is like a mirror. The mirror
never changes but everybody who looks
at it sees something different.
The only difference between a
helping hand and an outstretched palm
is a simple twist of the wrist.
Real charity doesn’t care if it’s
tax-deductible or not.
Learning music by reading about it
is like making love by mail.
When you take stuff from one writer,
its plagiarism; but when you take
it from many writers its research.
The difficult part in an argument is not
to defend one’s opinion but to know it.
A positive attitude may not solve all
your problems, but it will annoy enough
people to make it worth the effort.
Retirement should be based on the
tread, not on the mileage.
What we need are more people that
specialize in the impossible.
Reading is to the mind what
exercise is to the body.
It is better to debate a question
without settling it than it is to settle
a question without debating it.
It is easy to just sit up and take
notice, but what’s difficult is actually
getting up and taking some action.
Those who expect to reap the many
blessings of freedom must first
undergo the fatigue of supporting it.
The things in life that you remember
the most aren’t “things” at all.
You can make more friends in a day by
being interested in them than in ten years
by trying to get them interested in you.
When you aim for perfection, you
discover it’s a moving target.
Ideas are like rabbits. You get a
couple and learn how to handle them,
and pretty soon you have a dozen.
In marriage, being the right person is as
important as finding the right person.
Blessed is the person who is too
busy to worry in the daytime and too
sleepy to worry during the night.
If you are all wrapped up in yourself,
you are absolutely overdressed.
Add one small bit to the truth and
you inevitably subtract from it.
The average tourist wants to go to the
places where there are no tourists.
If it’s painful for you to criticize
your friends, you’re safe in doing it;
if you take the slightest pleasure in it,
that’s the time to hold your tongue.
One advantage in growing older is that
you can stand for more and fall for less.
What we see around us depends
mainly on what we are looking for.
Always invest some of your time before
you invest some of your money.
They say that love is blind. If that is
true, what is the purpose of lingerie?
Things do not change – people do.
The difference between reality and fiction
is that fiction has to make sense.
Love doesn’t make the world go round;
it’s what makes the ride worthwhile.
One of the best ways to measure
people is to watch the way they behave
when something free is offered.
Everything works out fine in the end.
If it’s not fine, then it’s not the end.
Measure wealth not by the things
you have, but by the things you have for
which you would not take money.
Now and then it’s good to pause in our
pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
While intelligent people can often
simplify the complex, a fool is more
likely to complicate the simple.
The trouble with class reunions is that
old flames have become even older.
If you want your children to improve,
let them “secretly” overhear the nice things
you have to say about them to others.
Character consists of what you do
on the third and fourth tries.
Just when you think you’ve finally
graduated from the school of experience,
someone thinks up a new course.
The older a man gets, the farther he
had to walk to school as a boy.
The beauty of having a lower income
is that there is not quite enough money
to buy what you don’t really need.
Nothing makes a woman more beautiful
than the belief that she is beautiful.
One of the hardest things to
learn in life is choosing which bridge
to cross and which to burn.
Babies are always more trouble than
you thought – and more wonderful.
It’s important that people know what
you stand for. It’s equally important that
they know what you won’t stand for.
More marriages might survive if the
partners realized that sometimes the
better comes after the worse.
In war, there are no unwounded soldiers.
Laziness is nothing more than taking
a rest before you actually get tired.
Do all the good you can, by all the
means you can, in all the ways you can,
at all times you can, to all the people
you can, as long as you ever can.
To the world you may be one person, but
to one person you may be the world.
Dig your well before you get thirsty.
Don’t waste time on someone who isn’t
willing to waste their time on you.
There is no original sin – it has
all been done before.
You can’t put a price tag on love, but
you can on all of its accessories.
We are products of our past, but we
don’t have to be prisoners of it.
One thing we all need is hope to cope.
While there are illegitimate parents,
there are no illegitimate children.
Those who follow the crowd, usually
end up getting lost in it.
If you want your life to have meaning,
stop wasting it on trivial pursuit
Once the game is over, the king and
the pawn go back into the same box.
Thinking is the hardest work
there is, which is probably the reason
so few actually engage in it.
Simple solutions seldom are.
One of the most lasting pleasures you
can experience is the feeling that comes
over you when you genuinely forgive an
enemy – whether he knows it or not.
If opportunity isn’t knocking for you,
then get busy building a door.
People that value their privileges above
their principles soon lose both.
If you can spend a perfectly useless
afternoon in a perfectly useless manner,
you have learned how to live.
The best preparation for work is not
thinking about work, talking about work,
or studying for work: it is work.
Forever is a long time, but not as
long as it was yesterday.
Love and time – those are the only two
things in all the world and all of life that
can not be bought, but only spent.
Telling a teenager about the facts of
life is like giving a fish a bath.
The only way of discovering the limits
of the possible is to venture a little past
them into the impossible.
The most important thing a father can
do for his kids is to love their mother.
One-half of the troubles of this life
can be traced to saying yes too quickly
and not saying no soon enough.
Before strongly desiring anything,
we should look closely at the happiness
of its present owner.
When love and skill work together, you
can always expect a masterpiece.
Reading without reflecting is like
eating without digesting.
America is great because America is
good, and if America ever ceases to be
good, America will cease to be great.
Never doubt that a small group of
people can change the world. Indeed,
it’s the only thing that ever has.
Money seems to change people just
as often as it changes hands.
Temper is a quality that at a
critical moment brings out the best in
steel and the worst in people.
Success is more a function of consistant
common sense than it is of genius.
You can easily judge the character
of a man by how he treats those who
can do nothing for him.
If you wouldn’t write it down and sign
your name to it, don’t say it.
Every generation of Americans needs
to know that freedom consists not in
doing what we like to do, but in having
the right to do what we ought to do.
True kindness is treating people better
than they deserve to be treated.
A leading authority is anyone who has
guessed right more than once.
If we’d stop trying so hard to be happy,
we could probably have a good time.
Trust in yourself – your perceptions
are often far more accurate than
you are simply willing to believe.
Temptation usually comes in through a
door that was deliberately left open.
Any time you think you have influence,
try ordering around someone else’s dog.
Enjoy the little things, for one day
you will look back and realize that
they were the big things too.
Freedom is the right to be wrong,
not the right to do wrong.
An apology is the superglue of life – it
can repair just about anything.
The shortest recorded period of
time lies between the minute you put
some money away for a rainy day and
the unexpected arrival of rain.
Dreaming permits each and every one
of us to be safely insane every night.
You have brains in your head, you have
feet in your shoes, you can steer
yourself in any direction you choose.
Friends are like fortune cookies – its
what’s inside that matters.
Never rely on your friends to
supply your business or your business
to supply your friends.
The older you get, the more important
it is no to act your age.
If you’re yearning for the good old days,
just turn off your air conditioning.
Goals are merely dreams with deadlines.
Happy is the man who can laugh at himself.
He will never cease to be amused.
Some people talk just because they think
sound is more manageable than silence.
Action may not always be happiness, but
there is no happiness without action.
Women and cats will always do as
they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea.
Just when you think you are winning the
rat race, along comes bigger rats.
You can’t do anything about the length
of your life, but you can do something
about its width and depth.
Success is going from failure ot failure
without losing you enthusiasm.
I don’t need a certain number of friends, just
a number of friends I can be certain of.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and
considerably easier to write with.
Motivation is what gets you started but
habit is what keeps you going.
Life should have no unimportant days.
When it’s time to die, let us not discover
that we have never really lived.
Nothing in life is to be feared – it is
only to be understood.
You don’t have to be great to start something
but you have to start something to be great.
Everything rises and falls on leadership.
Champions don’t become champions in the
ring – they are merely recognized there.
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight,
it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
Most people judge others by their actions
and themselves by their intentions.
There are some things in life more
important than life itself.
It is always harder to maintain than obtain.
When your charm wears off, you have
nothing left but your character.
The best place to look for help is at the
end of your own arm.
The task ahead of you is never as great
as the power within you.
After all is said and done, more is
usually said than done.
An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.
Courage is not feeling free from fear but
instead facing the fears you feel.
If just working hard made you wealthy,
every ditch-digger would be rich.
The attitude you take toward problems and
difficulties is far and away the most important
factor in controlling and mastering them.
Beyond positive thinking is positive believing.
The most curative thought in the world
is the thought of love.
Decide that you will not try to do everything
at once – that is why time is spread out.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.