KEN'S KORNER - APRIL 2005

DALLAS DRIVER HANDBOOK
By Author, Educator and Big City Driver Ken Skaggs

How many times have you seen it? A car in the left lane suddenly cuts across three lanes of traffic only to exit. Or, they cut in front of you, then stop. Or, some four-wheeler tries to cram itself into a space that doesn’t exist. These and more are all the moves you will find in the (not-yet-written) Dallas Four-Wheeler Handbook. Remember, you heard it here first.

In the Dallas Four-Wheeler Handbook, you can learn to drive with absolutely no consideration for your fellow man. As you read, you will find that you are the only one who matters and that time is of the essence - your time, no one else’s. There are chapters on risk management, speeding, red-light running, lane-dodging, causing traffic jams, causing road rage and much, much more. There are step-by-step instructions on how to cheat Mother Nature, Father Time and my favorite - excuses to get you out of a ticket.

Anyone who has ever driven in Dallas knows about these rules. Though they are unwritten (until now), I will try to bring them to light, given the fact that this is the April Fool’s season. And besides, poking fun at it is a lot better than getting all upset about something that we probably cannot change. And who knows, there could be a book deal in it for me.

In the risk-management section, you will learn that it’s okay to cut in front of a big truck, even if you plan on driving slower than him, simply because you can take-off faster. And because they are professional drivers, who drive for a living, they are not actually human beings with feelings like you are. Plus, they are never in as big a hurry as you are, after all, they are already at work and you are still on your way. Risk management elaborates further to explain that even though it takes a truck longer to stop they can actually stop in less distance than they would like you to believe. And even though they can crush you like a bug on a wall, you can simply avoid that with a (another) quick lane-change. Risk management teaches you to carefully weigh the risks, then take big ones. The bigger the risk, the greater the gain.

The speeding chapter is actually very scientific. They do the math and explain exactly how much time you can save by driving ten or twenty miles per hour over the speed limit. They factor in the amount of time and money you lose whenever you get a ticket and they prove that speeding is still cost efficient. And when traffic is too congested to allow the possibility to maintain a speed above the speed limit, they explain how you can still squeeze out an extra mile or two per hour by changing lanes often enough, which brings us to the lane-dodging section.

According to the handbook, lane-dodging is an art form all it’s own and expertise comes in time, not overnight. But they assure us that the more you practice, the better you’ll get. You’ll have to determine which lane is moving better and grab it quickly, but always stay prepared to slam it back into the lane you just came from, just in case it starts moving better, which it usually will. Then, you have to always be prepared to repeat that process. And when in doubt, just switch lanes. They teach you to spot a certain car and use it as a guide, to determine how well you are advancing. If after seventeen lane-changes you notice that you are thirty feet ahead of the said car, you are doing just fine. But, if after seventeen of these lane-changes you notice that you are actually further behind a car that isn’t even changing lanes, then jump on the shoulder and floor it. But remember, practice makes perfect.

The chapter on how to cause traffic jams explains that a traffic jam for everyone else means you are doing better than them, which means that you are actually making pretty good time. They don’t buy into that personal-best crap; they rely on the downfall of others to determine your success. After all, if you see them in your rear-view mirror, you’re beating them. It says that whenever you switch lanes, you must always apply your brakes. That way, others will have to slow down, which, of course, means that you are doing well. And if your actions cause road rage in others, you are doing extremely well. Especially when you can do both at the same time (cause a traffic jam and road rage).

There is also a section on stop-sign blowing and red light running, which basically says that those devices are just for other people, not you, so don’t pay them any mind (unless, of course, there is a police officer watching).

There isn’t enough space to rewrite the whole book here, so let me get to the biscuits and gravy of it all. Generally speaking, they say to always be in a hurry, even if you’re just going out to a restaurant and have plenty of time. If you’re driving like you are bleeding to death and on your way to a hospital, you are following the book’s exact instructions for driving in Dallas, especially if you’re not really in a hurry, or anywhere near Dallas.

Of course this complete story was all in jest, and very sarcastic at that. So please, don’t drive this way, unless you are actually from Dallas or it happens to be April. Happy April Fool’s Day everybody. And if you happen to be a publisher from Dallas who thinks this four-wheeler driver handbook would be a good idea, you can find me at www.bigcitydriver.com.

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